Random thoughts or You are so selfish

I basically rolled over and over and over again last night for about 4 hours.  Sleep is for sissies.  I suppose I can sleep when I am dead.  Valerie read to me from her devotional last night.  How and why is God's Word so poignant and timely?

Walk by faith not by sight as you take steps of faith depending on Me,  I will show you how much I can do for you.  If you live your life too safely you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you.  When I gave you my Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength.  That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you.  The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless.  By walking close to me you can accomplish My purposes and My strength.

AND

We are often empowered to do far more than we exercise.

AND

Be strong and courageous, Do not be terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you.  He will never leave you or forsake you.  The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you, He will never leave you.  Deuteronomy 31:6,8

I really do not even want to type out the devotional that she just read to me this morning.  In short, Trust and obey... Trust, Trust, Trust!!!

How is it possible to articulate the thoughts that stir in your brain?  I am not sure I can adequately articulate my thoughts and feelings, and I certainly do not think that I can articulate thoughts for both of us.  Would it ever be possible for me to explain to you what Valerie is thinking?  I am sure there are men everywhere that would be interested in that secret... that is, to know what women are thinking.  Then on another side of this discussion, would I REALLY want any of you to KNOW what I was REALLY thinking.  I am attempting to be vulnerable and transparent and be a vessel for God's Love, but it is contrary to my nature, I do believe.

So, here are the random thoughts:

I think she has cerebral palsy.  My scientific, doctor side then looks at research to determine what that will mean for her and what that will mean for us (Valerie, Keeley, Noble, Levi and I AND all of our friends and family).  What is the required care?  Is it long-term, continuous care, or would she ever be self-sustaining?  Is that even an appropriate goal?  How many surgeries?  What is the quality of life for her at home with treatment?  What is the quality of life for her if we leave her here?  Are we being selfish by even considering leaving her here?  But then are we being selfless if we decide to take her home?  Valerie just asked me, and I am really quoting, "Would Jesus really say to leave her here?"  My answer was, and this will sum up my feelings and give you some insight to what is behind these random thoughts, "I don't know."  My spiritual side begins to think about how she might flourish in a better environment.  Is that true or am I simply egotistical and egocentric enough to believe that I/we are somehow "better" for her or anyone?  Why would God lead us all the way out here to a foreign land and introduce us to this precious child and then ask us to leave her here.  Is it a test of obedience?  A test of faith?  Are we wandering through the desert?  I am reminded of a story you all have likely heard.  The paraphrased, short version.  A man was asked by God to get up and push on a rock.  Day after day the man got up and pushed on the rock all day long.  After some months, the man became discouraged as the rock was not moving, so he petitioned God suggesting this was pointless, the rock was not moving and he was pushing with all of his might for hours and days and having no result. God responded to him, "I did not ask you to move the rock, only to push on it.  I can move the rock easily on my own, I do not need you to move it."  P.U.S.H. -- Pray Until Something Happens.

Have we been asked to push on a rock?

Is long-term care of a special needs child pushing on a rock?

If most of this has not been offensive so far, hang-on, there is still time to offend you.  We felt called to adopt a child.  We did not feel called to adopt a special needs child.  You are so selfish.  My life is a good one.  We have been richly blessed.  Am I fighting God's will because I am selfish?  Am I afraid that this will disrupt our perfect little life?  Is my cute little white picket fence in danger of becoming tarnished?  Is that scary?  Back and forth.  People talk about signs.  Valerie has mentioned that she has been looking for a sign, a glowing page or a rainbow.  I had thoughts of a ray of sunshine beaming down upon a child illuminating that one child above the others.

True story... On one of my trips to Nicaragua I was working in the tiny little cinderblock makeshift dental clinic with my lightbulb connected to the extension chord.  I had been working all day for three or fours days -- twelve hour days with one, maybe two breaks.  Patient after patient, extracted tooth after extracted tooth.  We would line up people and get four or five of them all numbed up and then take one after the other.  I had had a couple of emotionally tough days.  People spitting blood on my shoes, not appearing appreciative, etc...  One of the ladies who was a nurse, but was helping the dentists, said that we should be evangelizing more.  We kind of felt like there was not much time to evangelize and talking with these people while they are all numb and spit and blood etc. would really be kind of difficult... besides evangelism has never really been my strong suit.  But one lady, Esperanza was my next patient.  Esperanza apparently means hope in Spanish.  Esperanza asked me why I was here.  I told her that I was here to help her.  She said she understood, but why would I come all of this way to help her and why were we all here and happy to be here?  Why would we do this?  I explained to her about the love of Jesus and that He has called us to show others His love.  She said she wanted that.  So, we (the ten or so of the volunteers in this dark little room) gathered around Esperanza and held hands encircling her and prayed with and for her.  She accepted Jesus as her Savior that day.  At the very moment that she made that decision, a ray of sunshine shone through the only opening of this tiny room, the small little door that I had to duck to get in without banging my head.  It shone down directly on Esperanza's legs and feet in between the two people holding hands in front of her.  THAT was a sign.

I see no signs.  I hear no voices.  I am having no visions.  Does that mean I am not paying attention or I am ignoring the signs?  Are my filters to small, too tight, too narrow?  In short, "I don't know!"