BROKEN

Broken.  That is what I am.  Broken.

Such a hard decision.  One I will never forget.  After wrestling through the night, calling out in prayer and reading His word, a decision was made.  It was not a crystal clear decision, as other times in my life where I really felt God "speaking" to me.  It was a free will decision.

Free Will.  A blessing and a curse (I know, really just a blessing, but today it felt like a curse).  I wanted so much a clear direction from God.  Writing in the sky would have been nice.  Was I not quiet enough?  Did He give me direction and I missed it?  Was this His direction all along?  Many questions.  So, based on the information we had, after much prayer and petition, we made a decision.

After taking what seemed to be forever to make a decision, we made the call to our interpreter/advocate to let him know.  He then called the Social Worker and the blur of time began.  Within half and hour we were in her office picking up the two pieces of paper required to officially stop this "referral".  Climbing the stairs to her office I was right on the edge of losing it.  In English the Social Worker (Little Red Riding Hood) said to me.  "I'm sorry".  That did it - the tears began.  I pulled myself together enough to get back in the cab to take us back to the hotel to pack.  As I get in the cab the driver has a nice "techno beat" going.  Just weird.  Such a life decision and I'm listening to a techno beat - not the soundtrack you would imagine.  We get back to the hotel and pack a bag of "treats" that we had brought with us (thanks to all who supplied them!!) and fresh fruit, candy and cookies that we had purchased at a local market (they rarely get fresh fruit) to take to the orphanage.  I knew I wanted them to have the treats but also knew it was going to be a hard walk back, knowing that we had decided not to take Vika.  How would they respond?  How could I even explain?  God's Grace, Love and Mercy were clearly seen - just as they have been this entire week.  His love for me is astounding.

On a side note, one of the things I was trying to figure out before we left to come to the Ukraine had been how to dry my hair.  I'm not really vain, but leaving the house with a wet head in 40-50 degree weather wasn't appealing to me.  Our translator/advocate had let us know not to bring adaptors from the US as they would blow whatever we were trying to plug in.  Hmmm.  Guess I'll try to find a hair dryer in the Ukraine - who knows where!  Would you know that EVERY place we have stayed has had a hair dryer!!  Even the apartment that we rented.  This is not normal.  His love - down to the minute detail.  Astounding love.

Back to the "story".  As Jeff and I walked down these muddy roads our talks, as Jeff shared earlier, were cyclical.  We passed by small stone homes where men and women were outside raking the mud to plant the first seeds of Spring.  Dogs were roaming.  Normal life for these people.  We were "new" on their dirt road, but they just glanced and went about their lives.  We entered the gates of the orphanage and went to the building that housed Vika and knocked.  No one answered, even after about the third round of knocking.  I mentioned to Jeff (because I am a sinner and was looking for an easy way out) that we should leave the bag at the door and they will find it.  Not acceptable.  God had better things planned.  Jeff looked in a window, caught someones attention and they came around to meet us.  They originally thought we were there to visit with Vika again so, as one answered the door another had gone back to get her dressed.  As we were explaining that we had made a decision not to bring her home with us, here Vika comes with another care worker and I got to have my last glance at this child that was made by God.  A smile on her face and full of love.  She was quickly shuffled away as we continued to talk to these women who care for these precious children on a daily basis.  They exuded His Grace, Love and Mercy - once again, they tried to comfort me!!  Astounding.

I don't think I will ever know the why's of this journey.  Nothing was "as imagined".  There was much that was simply, not the "truth", that we expected.  But it is not my truth or others that I'm running after, it is His.  His perfect Truth.  His perfect plan.  I find peace knowing His plans can not be thwarted.  They are perfect.  Always have been always will be.

Thank you ALL for your prayers that have carried us through this journey.  The body of His church is alive and well, it is clearly and perfectly displayed in each one of you.  You all are a blessing to me.

Lord, help put me back together any way you see fit.  I praise you for who you are, and who I am not.