Circles

The circle has no end. Once you begin to travel in a circle, you travel freely from one end to the other until you get dizzy. This is the best analogy that I can come up with to explain our thoughts. We are currently dizzy because are thought pattern is completely cyclical. Is she the right child for our family? Wouldn't God want us to help her? Are we being totally selfish? Do we feel called to take her home?  Are there any signs one way or the other?  Surely He would give us a sign?  Would God use guilt as a motivator?  She is a happy child right now where she is. Would she be happier with us than with her "normal"?  Are we equipped to care for her?  Would God equip us to care for her? Is He calling us to step out in faith and allow Him to work through us somehow? Are we denying God's blessings because we are selfish? If God chose her for us and us for her, would there not be clarity?  Have we chosen to ignore the signs because we are afraid? Would God not help us with the difficulties?  Why this country? Why this city? Why this orphanage? Why this girl? Why us? Why? And at the same time why not? There must be a right answer... Right? Is it possible to go against God without knowing what He wants?  What if we said yes to this child and it was not God's will?  Is that possible?  Would we then be punished because we did not follow His will? Or "simply" miss some blessings?  She is one child. There are so many. Some are healthy, some are not. Some are younger, some are older. Some are male some are female. Some are foreign. Some are domestic. Can we save them all?  Could we save them all?  Would we even "save" one? We have only "known" this girl for 1.5 hours. What is her quality of life with or without us?  What is our quality of life with or without her? Have we fallen in love with her? Would we fall in love with her?  Is there another child or children that we would fall for instantly? Would there be a sign? If we say yes, are we filled with Peace and Love?  If we say no, are we happy, content, filled with Peace that we made the right decision?  If we choose no, and go home will God break our hearts for her?  Would God call us to go back and get her? Would we listen? Would we go back to our comfortable little lives and forget her?  Is that wrong? Is that right? Is that left or up or down?  Are we only struggling because we are trying to control our lives and this situation?  As I mentioned, yesterday or this morning, I don't know. If we just don't know, should we be forced to make a decision?  Is not making a decision wrong? Disobedient? Sinful? Prideful? Why am I crying? Stop it!  Please???

Many tears have been shed today. We said no to this sweet little girl. God help us. Viktoria is fine. She was still smiling. We are still crying. Will we get our smiles back?  Is that wrong?  The circle has no end.