We just landed in Tampa. Still on the plane. Although we have not slept in 24 hours, we are doing well and ready to be home. We have much to be thankful for. We have three amazing children and incredible friends and family. We feel completely blessed. Thank you all for your support and prayer. We are so very thankful for you all. God has richly blessed us in every imaginable way.
Honored to be used by our wonderful, merciful, loving God and Savior, even if we don't yet understand it.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Traveling to paris
4:00am came very early this morning. Valerie was up as she had not really slept. I got about 3 hours of sleep, but awoke with a sore jaw from clenching my teeth presumably for three hours. We both awoke without an alarm. We had everything arranged to leave. A ride to the airport, arrangements for a ride home from the Tampa airport, our bags packed, our flight reservations changed. We had purchased a local SIM card for about $2. While I was on the phone with delta my minutes expired. So, our very good friend David Shenning was so kind as to FaceTime with us and call delta to finish making the changes to our return flights. Thank you David. We even had arrangements for the hotel to prepare for us breakfast (a box lunch) for us to take to the airport. Every detail managed. A portable DVD player and headphones for the long flights ahead, layered clothing, chewing gum, passports, adequate cash, pillows, books, magazines, everything we needed and other things just to make the trip more manageable. We had it all together. What could go wrong?
Our driver, Sasha (Alex), they all have nicknames and multiple variations and spellings. They do not seem to be terribly particular, whereas we (Americans) get so bothered if someone mispronounces our name that we probably pronounce funny to begin with, or misspell our name even though we probably spell it wrong ourselves. He arrived early. We got everything together and made it to the airport 2 hours prior to our flight. We found the Air France ticket agent and handed them our passports to get our tickets and begin our journey. The ticket agent then informed us that I had a ticket, but Valerie did not. Well, sure we do. Here is the confirmation number, no problem. No, you have no ticket for this flight, you must contact delta. Ok. How do we do that? She says, I don't know.
There is no delta ticket agent in Kiev. So, the flight is departing in 90 minutes and I have to decide if I am going to get on the plane home and leave Valerie in the airport in Ukraine ;). So, what do we do? I texted my very good friend David Shenning to see if he was available to bail me out AGAIN at 10:00pm his time. He was very kind and gracious to call delta and pretend to be me to confirm our flights. He texts me back to say, flights are confirmed. You are good. We go back to the ticket agent and she says, no, you have no ticket in our system. You must have a ticket number for this flight or we can do nothing for you. Ok. So we text our very good friend AGAIN. He calls delta AGAIN. Sorry David, I need a ticket number. He texts me back with a ticket number. Praise God, thank you for David. So, back to the ticket agent, the rather rude ticket agents, the not so helpful, caring, or compassionate ticket agents. We are feeling more confident now with a ticket number. Here ya go. Let's get this party started now. She goes to another computer and returns to inform us that this ticket number is for a flight for Valerie from Ukraine to Tampa in May. You must call delta to have them reissue a ticket for her. We are now one hour prior to departure. And it is 11:00pm for David.
DAVID??!??!!! Please help us... AGAIN!! So, David calls delta, YET AGAIN. There is a few minutes of silence. I started to get a little anxious. Allow me to pause a moment in the story to explain something.
God is so incredible! He put Valerie and I together a LOOOONG time ago. We are different people now than we were when we met. We have both grown in many ways. But we are still different people, with different reactions at different times to different circumstances. These differences are almost always complimentary. She is calm when I am angry. She is relaxed when I am anxious. She is thankful when I am self-absorbed. She is sometimes happy that I am sad 😜.
This time, she was angry and I was calming her. Valerie had already had her fill of the rude and unhelpful Air France ticket agents. I was not thrilled either, but I was able to realize that anger would not be terribly beneficial to us at this moment. Believe it or not, I said to Valerie, "Easy Tiger." I did not even get in trouble.
I started to become anxious. I knew that David was working on it and God had it taken care of, but the clock began to tick. The Air France ticket agents became fewer and I began to worry that if and when we finally got the tickets straightened out, they would tell us that we would not be able to check our luggage through or the flight was closed. I did not express my anxiety to Valerie, but she showed me her phone to show me what she was reading at that very moment. It read, "when it's out of control, it's simply out of your control." And "God will fight your battles for you. Be still." Oh, right! Be not anxious. I think we have covered that before. Trust Me! Yes, I am sure we have covered that one several times. Why must I be reminded EVERY TIME? Ok. Got it AGAIN, thanks. Thank You for using your Word and my wife, my gift to help me. Deep, slow breaths, decrease your heart rate. This is no big deal. You're not in danger. Simply change your perspective. You are not in control, and that is good!
Then, a text. Expiration number of your credit card? $88 and two or three more texts and viola. "Yes, your ticket is ok." Thanks AGAIN David. The ticket agent even moved our seats around to seat us together on all three flights. She was sweet. Was it simply our perspective???
We went through security and seated at the gate 10 minutes prior to commencement of boarding. I asked Valerie, and I will accurately quote my question and her response to give you the flavor. "How is it possible to buy a ticket for an international flight, at the gate one hour before takeoff and be early for the flight?" Her one word response, "God". That is sort of the theme here, huh?
Our driver, Sasha (Alex), they all have nicknames and multiple variations and spellings. They do not seem to be terribly particular, whereas we (Americans) get so bothered if someone mispronounces our name that we probably pronounce funny to begin with, or misspell our name even though we probably spell it wrong ourselves. He arrived early. We got everything together and made it to the airport 2 hours prior to our flight. We found the Air France ticket agent and handed them our passports to get our tickets and begin our journey. The ticket agent then informed us that I had a ticket, but Valerie did not. Well, sure we do. Here is the confirmation number, no problem. No, you have no ticket for this flight, you must contact delta. Ok. How do we do that? She says, I don't know.
There is no delta ticket agent in Kiev. So, the flight is departing in 90 minutes and I have to decide if I am going to get on the plane home and leave Valerie in the airport in Ukraine ;). So, what do we do? I texted my very good friend David Shenning to see if he was available to bail me out AGAIN at 10:00pm his time. He was very kind and gracious to call delta and pretend to be me to confirm our flights. He texts me back to say, flights are confirmed. You are good. We go back to the ticket agent and she says, no, you have no ticket in our system. You must have a ticket number for this flight or we can do nothing for you. Ok. So we text our very good friend AGAIN. He calls delta AGAIN. Sorry David, I need a ticket number. He texts me back with a ticket number. Praise God, thank you for David. So, back to the ticket agent, the rather rude ticket agents, the not so helpful, caring, or compassionate ticket agents. We are feeling more confident now with a ticket number. Here ya go. Let's get this party started now. She goes to another computer and returns to inform us that this ticket number is for a flight for Valerie from Ukraine to Tampa in May. You must call delta to have them reissue a ticket for her. We are now one hour prior to departure. And it is 11:00pm for David.
DAVID??!??!!! Please help us... AGAIN!! So, David calls delta, YET AGAIN. There is a few minutes of silence. I started to get a little anxious. Allow me to pause a moment in the story to explain something.
God is so incredible! He put Valerie and I together a LOOOONG time ago. We are different people now than we were when we met. We have both grown in many ways. But we are still different people, with different reactions at different times to different circumstances. These differences are almost always complimentary. She is calm when I am angry. She is relaxed when I am anxious. She is thankful when I am self-absorbed. She is sometimes happy that I am sad 😜.
This time, she was angry and I was calming her. Valerie had already had her fill of the rude and unhelpful Air France ticket agents. I was not thrilled either, but I was able to realize that anger would not be terribly beneficial to us at this moment. Believe it or not, I said to Valerie, "Easy Tiger." I did not even get in trouble.
I started to become anxious. I knew that David was working on it and God had it taken care of, but the clock began to tick. The Air France ticket agents became fewer and I began to worry that if and when we finally got the tickets straightened out, they would tell us that we would not be able to check our luggage through or the flight was closed. I did not express my anxiety to Valerie, but she showed me her phone to show me what she was reading at that very moment. It read, "when it's out of control, it's simply out of your control." And "God will fight your battles for you. Be still." Oh, right! Be not anxious. I think we have covered that before. Trust Me! Yes, I am sure we have covered that one several times. Why must I be reminded EVERY TIME? Ok. Got it AGAIN, thanks. Thank You for using your Word and my wife, my gift to help me. Deep, slow breaths, decrease your heart rate. This is no big deal. You're not in danger. Simply change your perspective. You are not in control, and that is good!
Then, a text. Expiration number of your credit card? $88 and two or three more texts and viola. "Yes, your ticket is ok." Thanks AGAIN David. The ticket agent even moved our seats around to seat us together on all three flights. She was sweet. Was it simply our perspective???
We went through security and seated at the gate 10 minutes prior to commencement of boarding. I asked Valerie, and I will accurately quote my question and her response to give you the flavor. "How is it possible to buy a ticket for an international flight, at the gate one hour before takeoff and be early for the flight?" Her one word response, "God". That is sort of the theme here, huh?
Saturday, March 12, 2016
BROKEN
Broken. That is what I am. Broken.
Such a hard decision. One I will never forget. After wrestling through the night, calling out in prayer and reading His word, a decision was made. It was not a crystal clear decision, as other times in my life where I really felt God "speaking" to me. It was a free will decision.
Free Will. A blessing and a curse (I know, really just a blessing, but today it felt like a curse). I wanted so much a clear direction from God. Writing in the sky would have been nice. Was I not quiet enough? Did He give me direction and I missed it? Was this His direction all along? Many questions. So, based on the information we had, after much prayer and petition, we made a decision.
After taking what seemed to be forever to make a decision, we made the call to our interpreter/advocate to let him know. He then called the Social Worker and the blur of time began. Within half and hour we were in her office picking up the two pieces of paper required to officially stop this "referral". Climbing the stairs to her office I was right on the edge of losing it. In English the Social Worker (Little Red Riding Hood) said to me. "I'm sorry". That did it - the tears began. I pulled myself together enough to get back in the cab to take us back to the hotel to pack. As I get in the cab the driver has a nice "techno beat" going. Just weird. Such a life decision and I'm listening to a techno beat - not the soundtrack you would imagine. We get back to the hotel and pack a bag of "treats" that we had brought with us (thanks to all who supplied them!!) and fresh fruit, candy and cookies that we had purchased at a local market (they rarely get fresh fruit) to take to the orphanage. I knew I wanted them to have the treats but also knew it was going to be a hard walk back, knowing that we had decided not to take Vika. How would they respond? How could I even explain? God's Grace, Love and Mercy were clearly seen - just as they have been this entire week. His love for me is astounding.
On a side note, one of the things I was trying to figure out before we left to come to the Ukraine had been how to dry my hair. I'm not really vain, but leaving the house with a wet head in 40-50 degree weather wasn't appealing to me. Our translator/advocate had let us know not to bring adaptors from the US as they would blow whatever we were trying to plug in. Hmmm. Guess I'll try to find a hair dryer in the Ukraine - who knows where! Would you know that EVERY place we have stayed has had a hair dryer!! Even the apartment that we rented. This is not normal. His love - down to the minute detail. Astounding love.
Back to the "story". As Jeff and I walked down these muddy roads our talks, as Jeff shared earlier, were cyclical. We passed by small stone homes where men and women were outside raking the mud to plant the first seeds of Spring. Dogs were roaming. Normal life for these people. We were "new" on their dirt road, but they just glanced and went about their lives. We entered the gates of the orphanage and went to the building that housed Vika and knocked. No one answered, even after about the third round of knocking. I mentioned to Jeff (because I am a sinner and was looking for an easy way out) that we should leave the bag at the door and they will find it. Not acceptable. God had better things planned. Jeff looked in a window, caught someones attention and they came around to meet us. They originally thought we were there to visit with Vika again so, as one answered the door another had gone back to get her dressed. As we were explaining that we had made a decision not to bring her home with us, here Vika comes with another care worker and I got to have my last glance at this child that was made by God. A smile on her face and full of love. She was quickly shuffled away as we continued to talk to these women who care for these precious children on a daily basis. They exuded His Grace, Love and Mercy - once again, they tried to comfort me!! Astounding.
I don't think I will ever know the why's of this journey. Nothing was "as imagined". There was much that was simply, not the "truth", that we expected. But it is not my truth or others that I'm running after, it is His. His perfect Truth. His perfect plan. I find peace knowing His plans can not be thwarted. They are perfect. Always have been always will be.
Thank you ALL for your prayers that have carried us through this journey. The body of His church is alive and well, it is clearly and perfectly displayed in each one of you. You all are a blessing to me.
Lord, help put me back together any way you see fit. I praise you for who you are, and who I am not.
Such a hard decision. One I will never forget. After wrestling through the night, calling out in prayer and reading His word, a decision was made. It was not a crystal clear decision, as other times in my life where I really felt God "speaking" to me. It was a free will decision.
Free Will. A blessing and a curse (I know, really just a blessing, but today it felt like a curse). I wanted so much a clear direction from God. Writing in the sky would have been nice. Was I not quiet enough? Did He give me direction and I missed it? Was this His direction all along? Many questions. So, based on the information we had, after much prayer and petition, we made a decision.
After taking what seemed to be forever to make a decision, we made the call to our interpreter/advocate to let him know. He then called the Social Worker and the blur of time began. Within half and hour we were in her office picking up the two pieces of paper required to officially stop this "referral". Climbing the stairs to her office I was right on the edge of losing it. In English the Social Worker (Little Red Riding Hood) said to me. "I'm sorry". That did it - the tears began. I pulled myself together enough to get back in the cab to take us back to the hotel to pack. As I get in the cab the driver has a nice "techno beat" going. Just weird. Such a life decision and I'm listening to a techno beat - not the soundtrack you would imagine. We get back to the hotel and pack a bag of "treats" that we had brought with us (thanks to all who supplied them!!) and fresh fruit, candy and cookies that we had purchased at a local market (they rarely get fresh fruit) to take to the orphanage. I knew I wanted them to have the treats but also knew it was going to be a hard walk back, knowing that we had decided not to take Vika. How would they respond? How could I even explain? God's Grace, Love and Mercy were clearly seen - just as they have been this entire week. His love for me is astounding.
On a side note, one of the things I was trying to figure out before we left to come to the Ukraine had been how to dry my hair. I'm not really vain, but leaving the house with a wet head in 40-50 degree weather wasn't appealing to me. Our translator/advocate had let us know not to bring adaptors from the US as they would blow whatever we were trying to plug in. Hmmm. Guess I'll try to find a hair dryer in the Ukraine - who knows where! Would you know that EVERY place we have stayed has had a hair dryer!! Even the apartment that we rented. This is not normal. His love - down to the minute detail. Astounding love.
Back to the "story". As Jeff and I walked down these muddy roads our talks, as Jeff shared earlier, were cyclical. We passed by small stone homes where men and women were outside raking the mud to plant the first seeds of Spring. Dogs were roaming. Normal life for these people. We were "new" on their dirt road, but they just glanced and went about their lives. We entered the gates of the orphanage and went to the building that housed Vika and knocked. No one answered, even after about the third round of knocking. I mentioned to Jeff (because I am a sinner and was looking for an easy way out) that we should leave the bag at the door and they will find it. Not acceptable. God had better things planned. Jeff looked in a window, caught someones attention and they came around to meet us. They originally thought we were there to visit with Vika again so, as one answered the door another had gone back to get her dressed. As we were explaining that we had made a decision not to bring her home with us, here Vika comes with another care worker and I got to have my last glance at this child that was made by God. A smile on her face and full of love. She was quickly shuffled away as we continued to talk to these women who care for these precious children on a daily basis. They exuded His Grace, Love and Mercy - once again, they tried to comfort me!! Astounding.
I don't think I will ever know the why's of this journey. Nothing was "as imagined". There was much that was simply, not the "truth", that we expected. But it is not my truth or others that I'm running after, it is His. His perfect Truth. His perfect plan. I find peace knowing His plans can not be thwarted. They are perfect. Always have been always will be.
Thank you ALL for your prayers that have carried us through this journey. The body of His church is alive and well, it is clearly and perfectly displayed in each one of you. You all are a blessing to me.
Lord, help put me back together any way you see fit. I praise you for who you are, and who I am not.
Coming home
We are back in Kiev in a hotel. We have a flight leaving tomorrow (Sunday) at 7:00am. It is now 6:00pm on Saturday. We will be in around 9:00pm Sunday. This is not a fun process. It is full of bureaucratic red tape. I am not sure that I ever explained it and some of you are probably wondering what's the deal. So here's the deal.
Ukraine does not allow adoptive parents to meet and choose children prior to the approval of the dossier. To complete the dossier one must get all of the tests and documents and signatures and notaries and "stuff". In the "stuff" is a home study. The home study, the international home study (different than the domestic home study) tells all about our lives, from our home's square footage to our income data to the number and type of children you are willing to accept. This portion must be very specific. Which medical conditions are acceptable to you, which will you not accept. How old, what gender. I felt like I was shopping from a catalogue. This must be sent to our government to have it apostiled, which basically means notarized by our government, the it must be sent to Ukraine to be translated and then they notarized it in their country's version of apostile. After that is all approved by our government and their government, the Ukrainian government issues an appointment to the prospective adoptive family. The appointment is for a specific date and time. The prospective family will then need to get on a plane and go to the appointment. We have not seen any child at this point. The only information that we have about the child is what was laid out in the home study which is approved by our immigration services. For the record, when we filled out the home study we indicated a desire to have one child, a girl age 3-8 and we would be willing to take a second child boy or girl, sibling or not. When we got to the appointment, in Ukraine, we noticed that we had been approved for 1-2 children ages 0-6. As I mentioned before, that left us with a window of only one year to chose from, as we also found out that they do not allow for international adoption under the age of 5.
So, at the appointment in Ukraine the prospective adopting parents look through the photos and histories of the "available" children that meet their criteria. Then they make a choice. After they make a choice of a child to visit, they are given a referral. We were given a choice of one child only as the "available" children did not have siblings or the sibling was not available. So, we made our choice to visit this child and received our referral (the referral is for that child only and you can only have one per dossier). At that point, the prospective adopting parents have 10 days to decide yes or no. If yes, then more bureaucratic red tape to go through with the adoption. If no, then you have a choice of:
1. give up and go home
2. get another appointment in about 1 week to look through the same binders or at least you can look through the binders for children that are "available" that day. Maybe there are some different ones, maybe not.
3. go home, redo the paperwork using a different set of criteria, get approved by all the governmental agencies and get another appointment and try again.
So, we have decided to come home and make a decision about whether or not we redo the paperwork and whether or not we come back to Ukraine. We do not see any benefit in staying here for another week waiting for another appointment only to look through the same binders, and have to make the same types of choices. My heart muscle may not be able to handle that much stress on it in that short a time frame.
BTW, we have had one referral. They will only give you three maximum, no matter what way you choose.
We have some options if we decide to do it again. Things we were not aware of. Ways to make the process easier for us, but still leave God in control. IF we were to do it again, we would be better prepared in many different ways.
Why did God have us come to Ukraine at this time to meet Vika (this is the name our facilitator used for her. I believe it is a common nickname.)? Why did He not press us to take her home? We may never know, but I DO know that He is in charge and He wanted us to go through this. I pray that I will become more like Jesus as a result. Thank you Lord for growing me, even though growing pains are painful.
Ukraine does not allow adoptive parents to meet and choose children prior to the approval of the dossier. To complete the dossier one must get all of the tests and documents and signatures and notaries and "stuff". In the "stuff" is a home study. The home study, the international home study (different than the domestic home study) tells all about our lives, from our home's square footage to our income data to the number and type of children you are willing to accept. This portion must be very specific. Which medical conditions are acceptable to you, which will you not accept. How old, what gender. I felt like I was shopping from a catalogue. This must be sent to our government to have it apostiled, which basically means notarized by our government, the it must be sent to Ukraine to be translated and then they notarized it in their country's version of apostile. After that is all approved by our government and their government, the Ukrainian government issues an appointment to the prospective adoptive family. The appointment is for a specific date and time. The prospective family will then need to get on a plane and go to the appointment. We have not seen any child at this point. The only information that we have about the child is what was laid out in the home study which is approved by our immigration services. For the record, when we filled out the home study we indicated a desire to have one child, a girl age 3-8 and we would be willing to take a second child boy or girl, sibling or not. When we got to the appointment, in Ukraine, we noticed that we had been approved for 1-2 children ages 0-6. As I mentioned before, that left us with a window of only one year to chose from, as we also found out that they do not allow for international adoption under the age of 5.
So, at the appointment in Ukraine the prospective adopting parents look through the photos and histories of the "available" children that meet their criteria. Then they make a choice. After they make a choice of a child to visit, they are given a referral. We were given a choice of one child only as the "available" children did not have siblings or the sibling was not available. So, we made our choice to visit this child and received our referral (the referral is for that child only and you can only have one per dossier). At that point, the prospective adopting parents have 10 days to decide yes or no. If yes, then more bureaucratic red tape to go through with the adoption. If no, then you have a choice of:
1. give up and go home
2. get another appointment in about 1 week to look through the same binders or at least you can look through the binders for children that are "available" that day. Maybe there are some different ones, maybe not.
3. go home, redo the paperwork using a different set of criteria, get approved by all the governmental agencies and get another appointment and try again.
So, we have decided to come home and make a decision about whether or not we redo the paperwork and whether or not we come back to Ukraine. We do not see any benefit in staying here for another week waiting for another appointment only to look through the same binders, and have to make the same types of choices. My heart muscle may not be able to handle that much stress on it in that short a time frame.
BTW, we have had one referral. They will only give you three maximum, no matter what way you choose.
We have some options if we decide to do it again. Things we were not aware of. Ways to make the process easier for us, but still leave God in control. IF we were to do it again, we would be better prepared in many different ways.
Why did God have us come to Ukraine at this time to meet Vika (this is the name our facilitator used for her. I believe it is a common nickname.)? Why did He not press us to take her home? We may never know, but I DO know that He is in charge and He wanted us to go through this. I pray that I will become more like Jesus as a result. Thank you Lord for growing me, even though growing pains are painful.
Circles
The circle has no end. Once you begin to travel in a circle, you travel freely from one end to the other until you get dizzy. This is the best analogy that I can come up with to explain our thoughts. We are currently dizzy because are thought pattern is completely cyclical. Is she the right child for our family? Wouldn't God want us to help her? Are we being totally selfish? Do we feel called to take her home? Are there any signs one way or the other? Surely He would give us a sign? Would God use guilt as a motivator? She is a happy child right now where she is. Would she be happier with us than with her "normal"? Are we equipped to care for her? Would God equip us to care for her? Is He calling us to step out in faith and allow Him to work through us somehow? Are we denying God's blessings because we are selfish? If God chose her for us and us for her, would there not be clarity? Have we chosen to ignore the signs because we are afraid? Would God not help us with the difficulties? Why this country? Why this city? Why this orphanage? Why this girl? Why us? Why? And at the same time why not? There must be a right answer... Right? Is it possible to go against God without knowing what He wants? What if we said yes to this child and it was not God's will? Is that possible? Would we then be punished because we did not follow His will? Or "simply" miss some blessings? She is one child. There are so many. Some are healthy, some are not. Some are younger, some are older. Some are male some are female. Some are foreign. Some are domestic. Can we save them all? Could we save them all? Would we even "save" one? We have only "known" this girl for 1.5 hours. What is her quality of life with or without us? What is our quality of life with or without her? Have we fallen in love with her? Would we fall in love with her? Is there another child or children that we would fall for instantly? Would there be a sign? If we say yes, are we filled with Peace and Love? If we say no, are we happy, content, filled with Peace that we made the right decision? If we choose no, and go home will God break our hearts for her? Would God call us to go back and get her? Would we listen? Would we go back to our comfortable little lives and forget her? Is that wrong? Is that right? Is that left or up or down? Are we only struggling because we are trying to control our lives and this situation? As I mentioned, yesterday or this morning, I don't know. If we just don't know, should we be forced to make a decision? Is not making a decision wrong? Disobedient? Sinful? Prideful? Why am I crying? Stop it! Please???
Many tears have been shed today. We said no to this sweet little girl. God help us. Viktoria is fine. She was still smiling. We are still crying. Will we get our smiles back? Is that wrong? The circle has no end.
Many tears have been shed today. We said no to this sweet little girl. God help us. Viktoria is fine. She was still smiling. We are still crying. Will we get our smiles back? Is that wrong? The circle has no end.
Friday, March 11, 2016
Random thoughts or You are so selfish
I basically rolled over and over and over again last night for about 4 hours. Sleep is for sissies. I suppose I can sleep when I am dead. Valerie read to me from her devotional last night. How and why is God's Word so poignant and timely?
Walk by faith not by sight as you take steps of faith depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you. If you live your life too safely you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you. When I gave you my Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless. By walking close to me you can accomplish My purposes and My strength.
AND
We are often empowered to do far more than we exercise.
AND
Be strong and courageous, Do not be terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you or forsake you. The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you, He will never leave you. Deuteronomy 31:6,8
I really do not even want to type out the devotional that she just read to me this morning. In short, Trust and obey... Trust, Trust, Trust!!!
How is it possible to articulate the thoughts that stir in your brain? I am not sure I can adequately articulate my thoughts and feelings, and I certainly do not think that I can articulate thoughts for both of us. Would it ever be possible for me to explain to you what Valerie is thinking? I am sure there are men everywhere that would be interested in that secret... that is, to know what women are thinking. Then on another side of this discussion, would I REALLY want any of you to KNOW what I was REALLY thinking. I am attempting to be vulnerable and transparent and be a vessel for God's Love, but it is contrary to my nature, I do believe.
So, here are the random thoughts:
I think she has cerebral palsy. My scientific, doctor side then looks at research to determine what that will mean for her and what that will mean for us (Valerie, Keeley, Noble, Levi and I AND all of our friends and family). What is the required care? Is it long-term, continuous care, or would she ever be self-sustaining? Is that even an appropriate goal? How many surgeries? What is the quality of life for her at home with treatment? What is the quality of life for her if we leave her here? Are we being selfish by even considering leaving her here? But then are we being selfless if we decide to take her home? Valerie just asked me, and I am really quoting, "Would Jesus really say to leave her here?" My answer was, and this will sum up my feelings and give you some insight to what is behind these random thoughts, "I don't know." My spiritual side begins to think about how she might flourish in a better environment. Is that true or am I simply egotistical and egocentric enough to believe that I/we are somehow "better" for her or anyone? Why would God lead us all the way out here to a foreign land and introduce us to this precious child and then ask us to leave her here. Is it a test of obedience? A test of faith? Are we wandering through the desert? I am reminded of a story you all have likely heard. The paraphrased, short version. A man was asked by God to get up and push on a rock. Day after day the man got up and pushed on the rock all day long. After some months, the man became discouraged as the rock was not moving, so he petitioned God suggesting this was pointless, the rock was not moving and he was pushing with all of his might for hours and days and having no result. God responded to him, "I did not ask you to move the rock, only to push on it. I can move the rock easily on my own, I do not need you to move it." P.U.S.H. -- Pray Until Something Happens.
Have we been asked to push on a rock?
Is long-term care of a special needs child pushing on a rock?
If most of this has not been offensive so far, hang-on, there is still time to offend you. We felt called to adopt a child. We did not feel called to adopt a special needs child. You are so selfish. My life is a good one. We have been richly blessed. Am I fighting God's will because I am selfish? Am I afraid that this will disrupt our perfect little life? Is my cute little white picket fence in danger of becoming tarnished? Is that scary? Back and forth. People talk about signs. Valerie has mentioned that she has been looking for a sign, a glowing page or a rainbow. I had thoughts of a ray of sunshine beaming down upon a child illuminating that one child above the others.
True story... On one of my trips to Nicaragua I was working in the tiny little cinderblock makeshift dental clinic with my lightbulb connected to the extension chord. I had been working all day for three or fours days -- twelve hour days with one, maybe two breaks. Patient after patient, extracted tooth after extracted tooth. We would line up people and get four or five of them all numbed up and then take one after the other. I had had a couple of emotionally tough days. People spitting blood on my shoes, not appearing appreciative, etc... One of the ladies who was a nurse, but was helping the dentists, said that we should be evangelizing more. We kind of felt like there was not much time to evangelize and talking with these people while they are all numb and spit and blood etc. would really be kind of difficult... besides evangelism has never really been my strong suit. But one lady, Esperanza was my next patient. Esperanza apparently means hope in Spanish. Esperanza asked me why I was here. I told her that I was here to help her. She said she understood, but why would I come all of this way to help her and why were we all here and happy to be here? Why would we do this? I explained to her about the love of Jesus and that He has called us to show others His love. She said she wanted that. So, we (the ten or so of the volunteers in this dark little room) gathered around Esperanza and held hands encircling her and prayed with and for her. She accepted Jesus as her Savior that day. At the very moment that she made that decision, a ray of sunshine shone through the only opening of this tiny room, the small little door that I had to duck to get in without banging my head. It shone down directly on Esperanza's legs and feet in between the two people holding hands in front of her. THAT was a sign.
I see no signs. I hear no voices. I am having no visions. Does that mean I am not paying attention or I am ignoring the signs? Are my filters to small, too tight, too narrow? In short, "I don't know!"
Walk by faith not by sight as you take steps of faith depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you. If you live your life too safely you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you. When I gave you my Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless. By walking close to me you can accomplish My purposes and My strength.
AND
We are often empowered to do far more than we exercise.
AND
Be strong and courageous, Do not be terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you or forsake you. The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you, He will never leave you. Deuteronomy 31:6,8
I really do not even want to type out the devotional that she just read to me this morning. In short, Trust and obey... Trust, Trust, Trust!!!
How is it possible to articulate the thoughts that stir in your brain? I am not sure I can adequately articulate my thoughts and feelings, and I certainly do not think that I can articulate thoughts for both of us. Would it ever be possible for me to explain to you what Valerie is thinking? I am sure there are men everywhere that would be interested in that secret... that is, to know what women are thinking. Then on another side of this discussion, would I REALLY want any of you to KNOW what I was REALLY thinking. I am attempting to be vulnerable and transparent and be a vessel for God's Love, but it is contrary to my nature, I do believe.
So, here are the random thoughts:
I think she has cerebral palsy. My scientific, doctor side then looks at research to determine what that will mean for her and what that will mean for us (Valerie, Keeley, Noble, Levi and I AND all of our friends and family). What is the required care? Is it long-term, continuous care, or would she ever be self-sustaining? Is that even an appropriate goal? How many surgeries? What is the quality of life for her at home with treatment? What is the quality of life for her if we leave her here? Are we being selfish by even considering leaving her here? But then are we being selfless if we decide to take her home? Valerie just asked me, and I am really quoting, "Would Jesus really say to leave her here?" My answer was, and this will sum up my feelings and give you some insight to what is behind these random thoughts, "I don't know." My spiritual side begins to think about how she might flourish in a better environment. Is that true or am I simply egotistical and egocentric enough to believe that I/we are somehow "better" for her or anyone? Why would God lead us all the way out here to a foreign land and introduce us to this precious child and then ask us to leave her here. Is it a test of obedience? A test of faith? Are we wandering through the desert? I am reminded of a story you all have likely heard. The paraphrased, short version. A man was asked by God to get up and push on a rock. Day after day the man got up and pushed on the rock all day long. After some months, the man became discouraged as the rock was not moving, so he petitioned God suggesting this was pointless, the rock was not moving and he was pushing with all of his might for hours and days and having no result. God responded to him, "I did not ask you to move the rock, only to push on it. I can move the rock easily on my own, I do not need you to move it." P.U.S.H. -- Pray Until Something Happens.
Have we been asked to push on a rock?
Is long-term care of a special needs child pushing on a rock?
If most of this has not been offensive so far, hang-on, there is still time to offend you. We felt called to adopt a child. We did not feel called to adopt a special needs child. You are so selfish. My life is a good one. We have been richly blessed. Am I fighting God's will because I am selfish? Am I afraid that this will disrupt our perfect little life? Is my cute little white picket fence in danger of becoming tarnished? Is that scary? Back and forth. People talk about signs. Valerie has mentioned that she has been looking for a sign, a glowing page or a rainbow. I had thoughts of a ray of sunshine beaming down upon a child illuminating that one child above the others.
True story... On one of my trips to Nicaragua I was working in the tiny little cinderblock makeshift dental clinic with my lightbulb connected to the extension chord. I had been working all day for three or fours days -- twelve hour days with one, maybe two breaks. Patient after patient, extracted tooth after extracted tooth. We would line up people and get four or five of them all numbed up and then take one after the other. I had had a couple of emotionally tough days. People spitting blood on my shoes, not appearing appreciative, etc... One of the ladies who was a nurse, but was helping the dentists, said that we should be evangelizing more. We kind of felt like there was not much time to evangelize and talking with these people while they are all numb and spit and blood etc. would really be kind of difficult... besides evangelism has never really been my strong suit. But one lady, Esperanza was my next patient. Esperanza apparently means hope in Spanish. Esperanza asked me why I was here. I told her that I was here to help her. She said she understood, but why would I come all of this way to help her and why were we all here and happy to be here? Why would we do this? I explained to her about the love of Jesus and that He has called us to show others His love. She said she wanted that. So, we (the ten or so of the volunteers in this dark little room) gathered around Esperanza and held hands encircling her and prayed with and for her. She accepted Jesus as her Savior that day. At the very moment that she made that decision, a ray of sunshine shone through the only opening of this tiny room, the small little door that I had to duck to get in without banging my head. It shone down directly on Esperanza's legs and feet in between the two people holding hands in front of her. THAT was a sign.
I see no signs. I hear no voices. I am having no visions. Does that mean I am not paying attention or I am ignoring the signs? Are my filters to small, too tight, too narrow? In short, "I don't know!"
Pics and video? (maybe) of our first visit
Please let me know if you can see the video.
OK, so apparently the video is not going to work properly. I will do my best to "paint a picture".
At and after our first meeting, I was so encouraged. I was completely focused on looking at and for the things I was prepared to see. I was looking for inability to perceive and display emotion -- total crock. I was looking for shades of autism. I'm no physician, but I did not see them. I was looking for signs of sensory difficulties.-- none. I was looking for a myriad of symptoms associated with fetal alcohol syndrome. I was looking for behavioral problems, psychological problems. I did not see any of them. We expected to see some developmental delays as these kids are not held and loved and touched from an early age. They are placed in the cribs with a bottle, and sent out to play on their own. We expected to see a speech deficiency. We were told that she did not make any sounds. We were told that she could not pick up things and she would not take something like a toy from our hands, only if we put it in her palm. She smiled. She laughed. She giggled. She took a tiny plastic frog that Valerie had brought for her out of Valerie's hand with her fingers. She was alert and aware and playful. I had prayed exactly for that. I had prayed that all of those diagnoses be wrong. I realized that she did not speak and may never speak, but I prayed for no brain damage, tumors, things that might diminish her quality of life. I was so encouraged. She was happy and sweet and obedient, not shy or aggressive or defiant. She waved bye bye to us and gave us a hug. I felt like even if she never spoke, she could learn sign language and communicate and be self-sufficient and live a happy life.
I felt like there was a possible explanation for some of the symptoms we noticed. She clearly has some airway issues. She cannot breath efficiently through her nose. She seemed to have a fever and some nasal drainage. She was clearly a chronic mouth breather. She is missing her two front teeth and it is quite a bit early for that... particularly if she is delayed in physical development. Probably they protruded and interfered with lip closure and were taken out. So, she sits with her mouth open. Drools regularly. she has learned to wipe with a tissue, often (she even wiped my arm with her tissue as she realized that she had drooled on me). I thought that maybe she had a minor upper respiratory infection. Probably a chronic one. Would it be possible to clean up the infection, clear the airway, love and encourage, pray, lather, rinse, repeat and God would give her a voice? ****Please do not mistake that as a lack of faith **** I AM CERTAIN GOD COULD HEAL HER COMPLETELY TODAY!
During our second meeting today, we went into her room as they were putting on her coat. We brought bananas for all nine of her immediate classmates. She recognized me immediately and her face totally lit up with a huge smile and she hustled to the door. She knew exactly where she was going. We walked out the door, outside to another room, through two locked doors and into a play room. A caretaker stayed there with us for about five minutes and then left the key for us and said something guttural that we took as, lock up when you are ready to leave. Another lady came about 30 min later and sat for about 5 min and said something resembling shoshy shosh bobendee falshoshy shosh and left us again with the key. We played together for a tad over an hour. She was sweet and fun. She made noises, but not speech. She motioned for us to come and to take her hand and to sit. She was communicating in her own way. She was responsive and actively played with us, repeated motions, and remembered where things were and what to do with them. She absolutely loved looking at herself in the mirror, and my phone was a huge hit. She definitely has some coordination issues and her gait is not centered and even. She started to cry for a couple of seconds in the beginning. I thought that was good. I thought she was showing appropriate emotion. This had to be weird for her - -two strange people looking and acting strange with her in a room without anyone else that she knew. I bet I would want to cry.
We took her back to her class after she finished eating her banana by herself. She had some on her hands, but she went over to Valerie who was holding the tissues in between bites and wiped her hands and face. We put her coat on her and she helped us put our coats on too. It was really cute. She knew that there was a zipper that needed to be zipped and even some buttons to fasten. We dropped her off and she hugged us and smiled a huge smile and waved dasvidaniya. We will see her tomorrow.
It all seemed so encouraging until I began to think about other causes of the symptoms. I was so encouraged that she did not have the symptoms of the things we were told she was afflicted with that I totally missed evaluating for other disease processes. Let me be clear here, I am just a dumb dentist. I am not equipped to diagnose neurological problems. It is almost midnight as I type this, and we have had an emotionally trying day. I am leaning toward a diagnosis. I think I have it figured out but I am just the dentist. Lord, God, please help us to make the decision that is right for our family and for Viktoria. Please allow us to make the right decisions for the right reasons. Amen. and good night
OK, so apparently the video is not going to work properly. I will do my best to "paint a picture".
At and after our first meeting, I was so encouraged. I was completely focused on looking at and for the things I was prepared to see. I was looking for inability to perceive and display emotion -- total crock. I was looking for shades of autism. I'm no physician, but I did not see them. I was looking for signs of sensory difficulties.-- none. I was looking for a myriad of symptoms associated with fetal alcohol syndrome. I was looking for behavioral problems, psychological problems. I did not see any of them. We expected to see some developmental delays as these kids are not held and loved and touched from an early age. They are placed in the cribs with a bottle, and sent out to play on their own. We expected to see a speech deficiency. We were told that she did not make any sounds. We were told that she could not pick up things and she would not take something like a toy from our hands, only if we put it in her palm. She smiled. She laughed. She giggled. She took a tiny plastic frog that Valerie had brought for her out of Valerie's hand with her fingers. She was alert and aware and playful. I had prayed exactly for that. I had prayed that all of those diagnoses be wrong. I realized that she did not speak and may never speak, but I prayed for no brain damage, tumors, things that might diminish her quality of life. I was so encouraged. She was happy and sweet and obedient, not shy or aggressive or defiant. She waved bye bye to us and gave us a hug. I felt like even if she never spoke, she could learn sign language and communicate and be self-sufficient and live a happy life.
I felt like there was a possible explanation for some of the symptoms we noticed. She clearly has some airway issues. She cannot breath efficiently through her nose. She seemed to have a fever and some nasal drainage. She was clearly a chronic mouth breather. She is missing her two front teeth and it is quite a bit early for that... particularly if she is delayed in physical development. Probably they protruded and interfered with lip closure and were taken out. So, she sits with her mouth open. Drools regularly. she has learned to wipe with a tissue, often (she even wiped my arm with her tissue as she realized that she had drooled on me). I thought that maybe she had a minor upper respiratory infection. Probably a chronic one. Would it be possible to clean up the infection, clear the airway, love and encourage, pray, lather, rinse, repeat and God would give her a voice? ****Please do not mistake that as a lack of faith **** I AM CERTAIN GOD COULD HEAL HER COMPLETELY TODAY!
During our second meeting today, we went into her room as they were putting on her coat. We brought bananas for all nine of her immediate classmates. She recognized me immediately and her face totally lit up with a huge smile and she hustled to the door. She knew exactly where she was going. We walked out the door, outside to another room, through two locked doors and into a play room. A caretaker stayed there with us for about five minutes and then left the key for us and said something guttural that we took as, lock up when you are ready to leave. Another lady came about 30 min later and sat for about 5 min and said something resembling shoshy shosh bobendee falshoshy shosh and left us again with the key. We played together for a tad over an hour. She was sweet and fun. She made noises, but not speech. She motioned for us to come and to take her hand and to sit. She was communicating in her own way. She was responsive and actively played with us, repeated motions, and remembered where things were and what to do with them. She absolutely loved looking at herself in the mirror, and my phone was a huge hit. She definitely has some coordination issues and her gait is not centered and even. She started to cry for a couple of seconds in the beginning. I thought that was good. I thought she was showing appropriate emotion. This had to be weird for her - -two strange people looking and acting strange with her in a room without anyone else that she knew. I bet I would want to cry.
We took her back to her class after she finished eating her banana by herself. She had some on her hands, but she went over to Valerie who was holding the tissues in between bites and wiped her hands and face. We put her coat on her and she helped us put our coats on too. It was really cute. She knew that there was a zipper that needed to be zipped and even some buttons to fasten. We dropped her off and she hugged us and smiled a huge smile and waved dasvidaniya. We will see her tomorrow.
It all seemed so encouraging until I began to think about other causes of the symptoms. I was so encouraged that she did not have the symptoms of the things we were told she was afflicted with that I totally missed evaluating for other disease processes. Let me be clear here, I am just a dumb dentist. I am not equipped to diagnose neurological problems. It is almost midnight as I type this, and we have had an emotionally trying day. I am leaning toward a diagnosis. I think I have it figured out but I am just the dentist. Lord, God, please help us to make the decision that is right for our family and for Viktoria. Please allow us to make the right decisions for the right reasons. Amen. and good night
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